WELCOME AND REGARD

 

 

 

I want to talk first about what this passage isn’t.  Don’t use this passage to generalize about the relative merits of housekeeping and food preparation vs attentive listening–that’s not the point.  Attending and welcoming guests requires both preparation and conversation—and in real life, this is always a balancing act.  Anyone who has invited dinner guests knows it takes a lot of effort to get the house ready and to prepare the food.  But you also know you can get trapped in the kitchen and never have a real opportunity to share conversation with your guests.  Likewise, if you become too engrossed in conversation, the food may never make it to the table.

 

As often as not, a common response to this passage is to identify with Martha and to feel defensive about her being told that Mary had chosen the ‘better part”.  One woman in our group suggested that perhaps Jesus (as a male) did not really know what went into preparing a meal for guests.  She, as many women, felt that their efforts to be hospitable in real life often went unappreciated and it was particularly galling to hear Jesus suggest they might be making the wrong choice.  The passage seems to be clear— the better choice is to give devoted attention to the Lord.  Anything else is a distraction (including the tasks of preparation).  Who could argue with the guiding principle:  “Put the Lord first?  Don’t lose focus with the distractions of day to day living.”  Yet even this principle can be abused.   

 

Several years ago I was meeting with a couple in serious conflict. As I was learning about them, I discovered the wife held a full time job, was responsible for raising their four children as well as maintaining the house. When I asked the husband what responsibilities he had in the family, he told me he studied the Word.  Each day, he would eat the breakfast provided by his wife, then he would go upstairs to study.  (As you might imagine, she was on her last nerve).  When I pressed the husband further about his contribution to his family, he informed me that I did not have a grasp of what a Christian marriage looked like.  As far as he was concerned, he had a righteous reason (and an unchallengeable one) to justify his life.  In his eyes, he was being obedient to scripture by ‘sitting at the Lord’s feet’ and studying what Jesus had to say.  In his eyes, his was the life of Mary—he had chosen the better part.  Though my client could righteously claim obedience to scripture, he did so without regard for the considerable cost to his wife.  Later I was to tell him that, in my opinion, he was neither a good husband nor a good Christian. 

 

As often as not, we look for validation of our existing positions instead of entering the ambiguity of discernment.  When there are two ‘good choices’, the question shifts to how do we choose?   For Jesus, it is never about the rules or the conventions—it was about the people.  It is seductively easy to seek vindication rather than struggle with the particular circumstances.  It is much like Jesus’ message to the religious leaders of his day.  Don’t let the letter of the law lead you to miss the spirit of the law.   The Pharisees worked very hard at defining what it meant to ‘Honor the Sabbath day and Keep it Holy’.  But Jesus said, as important as the Sabbath day was,  it was not ok to let an ox suffer in a ditch or a sick man to go untended to because it was the Sabbath.  

 

Righteousness is never a good reason to miss connection.   Martha was doing the right thing.  She was obedient to the well established expectations of her time and she expected Jesus to vindicate her. Though he might have claimed to be more like Mary in his devotion, in real life, my client was more like Martha in his desire for vindication.  

 

There are certainly just as many male ‘Marthas’ as females.  I see plenty of men who are so caught up in their work that they can always explain their lack of family participation.  There is always a good reason to miss a child’s soccer game or to be chronically late for dinner.  How can anyone argue with: “I have to provide for the family.”? Unfortunately, in real life, checking out of work too often can mean losing a job.  But it is also true that checking out on your family too often can mean losing the very people you are trying to support.  One answer, one rule, one way of assessing, no matter how well justified, will not work every time. Instead of becoming guidelines to help us make decisions, they become positions to protect us from the difficult task of discernment.  

 

Jesus was saying one size does not fit all.  Every rule and tradition has an exception.   I am reasonably certain that in his day, even talking to women as he talked to Mary, was outside of the social norms.  But Jesus broke the rules in order to welcome her, as in fact, she broke the rules to welcome him.  We are required to continuously ask the question:  “What, in this situation, is the hospitable act?  What in this situation, is the best way to welcome and show regard?  Martha’s error was her seeking vindication rather than struggling with what was most loving.

 

The answers will vary but the questions remain the same.  Asking what is the most loving is a much harder question than asking what—or who— is right.  Most of us are prone to putting a higher priority upon being right than being in a relationship.  As soon as we need to be right, we will find it difficult to listen, much less show hospitality.  

 

 In my own family my mother regularly hosted Thanksgiving dinner—often for 15 people or more.  She took great pride (deservedly so) in her hospitality.  The year my niece ordered the turkey and the fixings as a gift, my mother was initially put out.  That was her job—never mind that it totally exhausted her.  It took at least a couple of such Thanksgivings for her to enjoy such an ‘unconventional’ way to celebrate the holiday.  Now she quite enjoys being fully involved at the table—and she has certainly learned to enjoy being served. There are many ways to show regard and welcome.  Some of them break well established traditions but hopefully we can stay focused upon the spirit of those traditions rather than the traditions themselves.  

 

Whether in the kitchen or in conversation, stay focused upon welcome and regard.  Let it be so.